This is not a post for someone who is looking for answers. This is not for a student looking for something or someone to help them, or a mid career worker who is having a crisis and is looking for what they really want. This is not a post meant to help, nor a post intended to guide.
I have no dreams.
I don’t mean the visions you get while sleeping (though I only occasionally have those), I don’t have any ambitions, or goals, or aspirations, objectives, wishes, desires, or a determination to achieve something.
What do you reach for when you have no dreams?
What do you shoot for when you have no stars?
I am completely ensnared by contradictions and am entirely ensnared in a battle between my heart and my mind and my soul. I have a war inside that has trapped me in a rut of indecision and inability to see forward.
I have hope that I will one day figure it out. But I am already through one year of my four years of financial aid. After 4 years, a fair portion of my financial aid will be gone, and what for? Will I have something that I can take to the “real world” or will I be no better off? I fear that I am completely hopeless, with no path before me.
I have spent literally every waking moment of the last 3, going on 4, days thinking about my future and I am no close to deciding what I would like to do than I was when I was 5 and my kindergarten teacher asked me what I wanted to do with my life.
So what do you do? What do you chase after when you are in the dark?
This is exhausting, if you do not know or remember the feeling. It is exhausting to spend days looking within and constantly questioning and thinking about scenarios and situations that may or may not be something I would like to be in. I don’t know.
Where do you go when all you can do is run in circles?
As always, comments are welcome, and even more so if you can offer some advice – any advice.