“Pride will be your downfall”
These words have haunted me for the better part of the last four years of my life.
More than one-fifth of my life. Stolen by five words.
I don’t remember where I first heard it, or read it, but these words have been a constant stream of water dousing the fires of my passions.
I was afraid of being too prideful, afraid to boast about things, and that led to being unable to feel accomplishment. Whenever I put out something of worth, or achieved something of value, I could never feel please for it. Pride was something I fought, something I detested.
For 4 years I downplayed all of my abilities. It reached a point where I stopped pushing because I was afraid to succeed. Without meaning to, I stopped getting perfect scores of tests, I became passive about homework. I never tried. All because I was afraid of being successful and as a result, being prideful.
I could never feel proud of anything, even when many people told me I should. I saw how arrogance was viewed, and how no one liked someone with a big ego. I got in the way of my own success – just so I never had anything to be proud of.
I did not know how to feel like I had worth, without it being prideful. How could I work for anything of substance when I detested the emotion that commonly followed? To this hour, I have difficulty reaching for goals. I have trouble lighting a fire in me, constantly afraid it will burn be to the ground.
Every day I fight it. I fight to feel self-worth. I battle the shadows in the back of my mind, hoping that a light will one day explode inside of me, destroying this darkness forever. I fight to find myself, and one day, I hope that I may reach for my dreams, and leave pride behind.
“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Phil. 4:13